Could Be Bitter Forever

by Chris Cappello

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1.
05:58
lyrics
2.
02:03
lyrics
3.
02:43
lyrics
4.
03:24
lyrics
5.
07:26
lyrics
6.
03:48
lyrics
7.
07:38
lyrics
8.
09:57
lyrics
9.
04:52
lyrics
10.
05:30
lyrics
11.
05:16
lyrics

about

the culmination of one and a half years of writing, recording, disappointing friends and family and generally feeling bad

credits

released 24 May 2013
Recorded between January and May 2013 at The Mannor in Wallingford, CT. Tracked, mixed and mastered by Ian Bates.

Chris Cappello sang and played the electric guitar, acoustic guitar and harmonica (on 7 and 9)
Brian Grochowski played the drums and percussion on 1-5 and 7-11.
Marco Vernacatola played the bass on 1-5 and 7-11.
Jake Bellissimo played the viola on 4, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
Kayla Bastos sang on 6, 7, and 11.
Ian Bates produced the record and played electric guitar (on 1 and 4), organ (on 4) and casio drum machine (on 6). He twiddled pedal knobs on 10 and played guitar harmonics at the end of 9. He also sang a cute backing harmony on 4.
Track 5 contains a sample from "Together," the final episode of season 2 of HBO's Girls. Please don't sue me, Girls.
Viki Young took the cover photo. Thanks Viki!

tags

tags: ct punk angst connecticut emo folk punk indie rock lo-fi new haven pop punk punk sadcore wallingford New Haven

license

all rights reserved

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Track Name: Improved Resolutions
the days are getting longer. i can feel it in my bones but as we're slowing our rotation I just sit here growing old. So I want to start it over a year ago tonight, on the night that you left meaning no disrespect but you tore through my fucking heart, so don't start that shit. not tonight. i'm not gonna deal with it.

so i was talking to my friends (the ones I always did neglect when I was with you). they said compile a new set of improved resolutions for a slightly shorter new year. A slightly shorter set of days to accomplish all my goals with a slightly longer overlay at 'empty and alone'. a slightly broken heart slowly turning into stone, I guess I've got that.

I want a slightly smaller body inside slightly smaller clothes. I want to disappear forever or wake up hung up in some hospital. I want to live my life fucking empty and alone and I can do that, yeah. I want to compensate the people who spent their wasted time with me. Like a body in a coffin I will give back what I breathed and say an empty 'thanks' to everyone who ever said 'i'm sorry'. and on the night I swore I'd fall in love with you I knew it wasn't true but I still wanted to. I still wanted to.

so i'll set my sights on someone else as a better version of myself and give her what i never gave to you and then i'll leave her just as you left me too. i will hurt her just as you've hurt me.
Track Name: Plans for the Future
I want to tell you that i'm going somewhere new. I want to call you on the phone, but all these words they leave me nothing. I'm alone, so shut me up inside the walls of this new home.

I still have your number. I still have those pictures, yeah I'm sure you know. I still have these matches, I still have this bottle and I can't leave either of them alone. A mouth or a tissue, a song or a letter? I don't even know. I still have those pictures. You still have my records. I gave you my own. I gave you my own.

and if I could call you, would I hear your voice or that fucking dial tone? I don't know.

I want to tell you that I'm seeing someone new. I try to tell myself that she's better than you and I thought the world would seem more beautiful to me without your lips between my teeth and those words you used to speak but with my face between her legs I can't see.
Track Name: A Published Author
I think I'm starting to get used to the fact that everyone that I love will stab me in the back but now it seems like the only people I even like have started trying to do that. I think with time I've come to realize that the fault is yours just as much as it is mine, so when I write it all down tonight, I'll be sure to write an extra line for you.

and with each word on the page I'm thinking fondly of the memories that you prematurely erased, and it gets deeper ingrained in my mind. and with each stroke of a line I try to focus on a moment when I thought that I could be fine, but there is nothing to be found inside.

and by the time that I'm done, I hope they cover up my body and I hope that they blot out the sun. I hope you have nothing to do but run and I want you to see each one.

I want to be a published author. I want to write a masterpiece inside the confines of my skull, for teenage kids who act like children, teenage girls of 17, and teenage songwriters in rooms who act like everyone assumes that they're right. teenagers think they know everything.
Track Name: The Benefits Do Not Outweigh The Detriments
you transcribed the words to all your favorite songs. It almost made them seem like they were yours. And the words that I sang to you somehow didn't come out wrong, and I'm pretty sure that was a first. The night we got together at your friends house, that was almost a year ago, and me and your boyfriend we just laugh now about all the people that we used to know.

But I was sleeping on the floor when I met you and I'll be sleeping on the floor when you leave. The benefits do not outweigh the detriments for you. The ends don't justify the means.

and he would always say that you were bad news and even in those days I did agree, but in this life we don't always get to choose, especially not people like you and me. And darling I know that you need to breathe, so I'll leave you alone for another week, but if you ever do plan to come back to me, I won't be here like before you chose to leave.

I know that you still miss him like I miss that girl. He's a ghost inside that little haunted head, but you and I both need to move out of that house and find someone else to sing about instead. We need to find someone else to sing about.

'Cause I was sleeping on the floor when she left me and I was sleeping in my bed by the time you came around and my eyes were bright and open when you first picked me up, but they'll be shut before I even hit the ground. I'll be cold before I even touch the ground and you'll be gone by the time I come around.
Track Name: Circulation
my hands smell like you and the coffee I spilled on the bed in my room that you and I filled just an hour ago and nobody knows or remembers what they hold. and your hands are as cold as a fossilized bone but the hands that I hold are always this cold so I guess that's my type, frozen in ice with blood running slowly inside.

but your circulation is better than mine. I am freezing to death and I can't go outside in this harsh winter weather my still frozen life will slowly be buried in time, and my hands will grow stiff and your touch will split open my spine.

but my room smells like you and all of those pills and they're the only substance that gives me my fill. I've got nothing inside but the shit that you buy and that's all that I want in me still. But the smaller that I get, the larger the world seems, but it's darker and emptier than me, an expanse of nothing, a city that's rusting away into eternity.

So don't ever tell me one day I'll be fine. I can't walk up the stairs. I can't turn on a dime. I'll spin out of control on I-95 and I'll crash and I'll burn and I'll make people die and the people I love will all cut me away from their lives.

Joni, I wrote, would forget me in five months and that time has passed and I bet she has no one. I hope she feels bad for fucking things up but I know she feels nothing. Mary, I'm sure will forget me in time, if the love that I had didn't fade from her mind. If it's already gone, then I guess I was wrong, and those memories will never rise.

But I don't care if she's gone, 'cause I left her a song. I left her twenty songs. I left her all these songs, and for what?
Track Name: I Learned To Be Alive In January
the month of january flew by in a sea of smoke and pills, the crushed up remainders of prescriptions that you forgot to fill. i don't remember how i loved you, i can't recall the things we did, but darling you showed me I wasn't such a kid. you showed me i wasn't such a child.

the month of february took me by the hand, off to a twisted distant land. i don't remember very much but i will cherish what i can because i think it taught me how to be a man. despite the awful online eyes and spoiled plans, i think you taught me how to be a man.

and i learned to be alive when i reached my deepest low, standing ankle deep in water freezing over with the snow, and i just walked and walked for miles and i learned to be alone with the backbeat of my footsteps and the words of paul baribeau in my ears. and then they froze. I never wanted to hear your sad words expressing all of your fears for your future. You're getting older every day, but you're not a clock. You're a time bomb ticking away.
Track Name: No Exception
You're not an exception to the rules that you thought you created and all the girls that you thought that you dated, they didn't love you at all. You're not a monster, but you still live in fear of your heroes. You abuse, you neglect, but you get through that, though, and you learn to forget it all.

You're not important now that she's gone. You always forget the words to your songs. I thought they meant something to you. It's not important. There's nothing wrong. I'm completely content to be floating along like something parasitic in the river that flows past your house in the night and beneath your windows. How it glows. How it shines through your clothes from your eyes.

and there's certainly something to be said for those eyes. I can't forget circles so blindingly bright locked up tight in their sockets for fear that they might just burst out one night and fly -- fly away to a home, to my place.

Your rhode island house is wasting away and in 2000 years it will turn into clay and we will be dust from which our bodies came and it will be us together again.

You're not a person because people have feelings for others and you only have feelings for lovers, and where does that get you? Nowhere. You're not important now that she's gone. You always forget the people you love. I thought they meant something to you.

Oh it's not important. There's nothing wrong. I'm completely content to be singing this song. My heart hurts 'cause I let it. It swells and becomes a giant red hole in between my two lungs. Let it run. Let it shine from the pit of my chest to the whites of your eyes.

and there's certainly something to be said for those eyes. I can't forget circles so blindingly bright locked up tight in their sockets for fear that you might just burst out one night and fly
Track Name: Could Be Bitter Forever
it makes me sick to remember that you still exist. i feel a sting in my mouth when i think about our last kiss. the rain falling over Providence covered the city streets with its fingerprints. I felt your heart beat quickly in the seat of your car. I knew that I'd miss you and I knew that it would be hard. I promised that I'd always be there for you. You said that you would try to be there for me too. You said that you would try to be there.

sometimes I wish that you'd have ended it there in that vacant lot with a vacant stare and set me back to my city in disrepair, not knowing where I am or even how I got there. I couldn't sleep sitting on the train. I'd probably start to cry but I'd do that anyway. It'd set me back a couple weeks, I'm sure, but I'd be two weeks closer to getting better.

I'd be two weeks closer to getting there but every time I think I'm fine that feeling starts to grow and it boils over like an engine ready to explode. So I'll leave the city now and I'll find somebody else with brown hair and brown eyes -- shouldn't be hard to find.

everyone says I can live with it. everyone says that I should 'just forget it' but I can't do away with my resentment. with every good night comes another 'good riddance' and every good time leads to more indifference. I spend my days living in fear of my kitchen and every night I'm in the same damn places because the prospect of life makes me fucking anxious. The prospect of life makes me want to end it.

The prospect of life makes me fucking resent it but every time I think I'm fine that feeling starts to grow and it boils over like a fever ready to explode. So I'll leave the city now and I'll find somebody else with brown hair and brown eyes -- shouldn't be hard to find.

I could be fine. Just give me time. I could get better if I weren't so goddamn bitter. I could be fine. Just give me time. If I don't get better, I could be bitter forever.
Track Name: The Western Face
on the western face the birds can sing freely. no one will judge them but you and me. With my notebook and my pen and your camera lens, we will capture these moments til the very end and if we ever get back to the bottom will we still be friends? On the eastern shore the world is such a bore. We spent sixteen years living out a series of chores and with one after another we eventually discovered that the only life worth living was a life lived with each other and I felt alive for three hours on the thirteenth of march, and you felt alive for a lifetime in the fold of my arms.

vultures and kestrels, they come and go. discarded artifacts littered by stones and we know that we can't be the first ones to call this our home, but in that moment you and I, darling, we were truly alone.

three months have passed since you changed your tone. two months gone since you blocked me from your phone and one since I found a new girl to give me something to hold.

so what happened to the happiness that once covered up your face, or the water in my eyes that your kiss displaced? I'll sit up here alone on the western face and think about what it'd be like to bring you back to my place and I felt alright for a minute on the thirteenth of march. You'd be alright for a lifetime in any boy's arms. I hope that I forget all about you and all of your charms, and I hope that you never feel better than you did in these arms.

So do I wait for the sunset to fall so I can't find my way home, or do I pray for an earthquake to launch me right over these stones? Should I just take that leap and break my neck and all of my bones and pray for some unlucky soul to find my body in the valley below.

On the western face the birds can sing freely. They don't care about you and me and they won't care either way if we stay or if we leave, so let's stay and let's leave everybody.
Track Name: Driving to the Hospital
my parents, they found out that the shit i sing about wasn't only in my head -- that i wanted to be dead. the traffic slowed to a crawl driving to the hospital. I wanted to black out. I wanted to drop out.

I see your body in your clothes. you know you're beautiful, but you never leave my mind, and you need to leave my mind. I felt your hollow bones. we were covered in your home and it never leaves my head. won't you get out of my head?

darling it's easy. everyone leaves me. but you stained you blood deep into my bedsheets. and you stuck your hands hard into my poor arms, into my red arms. you have done me harm.
Track Name: New You
I took down all the pictures from when I was a kid as if I were trying to hide what I did. And she went off to college. I don't know where, but she did. I guess that she forgot all the things that we said, but I was always looking. I guess now I can admit it and I'm sorry for bringing you into this.

I'm amazed at my skin's regenerative resilience 'cause it's been opened time and time again, but it always closes. Oh, it always closes, like it forgot exactly why it turned red. And that's just like you, isn't it? You blush at all my compliments, then avert your eyes and pass it off with silence.

And I said I don't want to do anything to encourage you to do anything. And you said you don't want to do anything to encourage me to feel anything. Well I feel my body's pores breathe and I feel my open skin sting and I feel the beat of my heart in my chest every time that I start to sing. I feel you in the air whenever you are around here and I can feel death in my heart and blood in my throat when you're not there.